There Was No Secret Evil-Fighting Organization (srsly?!), So I Made One MYSELF!
世界の闇と戦う秘密結社が無いから作った（半ギレ）

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Chapter 2: A Missile Bouquet for the Bride

Volume 6: Assailant from the Future

First, she had decorated the cathedral in the magic castle I gifted her as the venue. She had apparently worked on it during the time she cooped herself up in the place.

Ruu-denka was going to serve as our officiator. Kaburagi-san said she didn’t want anyone else but me to see her at her most beautiful — in a wedding dress — so we had considered keeping the wedding between just the two of us. However, having no one to witness us exchanging our vows just sounded sad. This was why we settled on Ruu-denka.

On top of being more than qualified to serve as officiator, she was so empty-headed that she would forget what she’d seen afterward. She said as much herself.

[No worries! I’m confident in my ability to forget things! Leave it to me!]

She gave us her reassurance, and we believed it.

We believe it, right…? Uh… yeah, it’ll be fine.

I felt like there was something not quite right with the logic that “it’s fine because she’s going to forget,” but since Kaburagi-san was fine with it, so was I.

The marriage registration form literally only needed my name, my inkan stamp¹, and the date of submission, so we went and dropped it into the Off-Hours Submission Box at the government office on the way home from the dinner with Ruu-denka. Let’s say I was very startled when Kaburagi-san picked up the envelope on her car dashboard and it turned out the marriage registration form — already fully filled out — was within.

There was a part of me that felt scared seeing how prepared Kaburagi-san was, but in reality, I was the one who had made her wait far too long. The fault was mainly mine, really.

As for our names, we were going to be Sago Kinemitsu and Sago Shiori. In light of the fact that Kaburagi-san was a genuine noble, I was somewhat worried about changing her last name. However, Ruu-denka gave us her okay on the spot, saying that it was fine in Marineland. Thanks, queen.

Kaburagi-san, who possessed an unmatched ability to take action, was far from done. Right after submitting the marriage registration form, she immediately set off to meet my parents. The fact that it was almost time for everyone to go to sleep did not seem to bother her whatsoever.

H-H-Hold on, you’re going way too fast! It’s true that this is quite late considering the length of time that we’ve been together (though not “that” way), all my parents know so far is that there’s someone I’m interested in. Just showing up and saying, “We got married!” is way too sudden!

Because both Kaburagi-san and I had had wine at dinner, Ruu-denka’s bodyguard drove us to my parents’ home. Ruu-denka herself sat shotgun while Kaburagi-san and I were in the back. She was leaning into me with the most blissful look on her face and we were holding hands with our fingers intertwined.

When I looked over in response to feeling Kaburagi-san’s breath on my face, she smiled and snuggled even closer. I felt like my heart was going to burst at a moment’s notice.

What’s this? Are you coming onto me? What would you do if I make a move— Oh wait, I actually am allowed to. We’re already legally married.

Wait! In other words, I now have both legal and personal permission to snu-snu with Kaburagi-san?!

My head is going to explode. I-I-It’s my first time. Please be gentle?

“After I greet your parents, Kinemitsu-san, let’s head straight to the wedding venue.”

“Okay, you’re going waaaaay too fast! Slow down there!”

“So we can’t?”

“I didn’t say that!”

Can you not whisper sexily directly into my ear?!

“It’s not that we can’t, but Kaburagi-san, your—”

“Call me Shiori.”

“Sh-Shi-, Kabura-, Shi-, Sh-Sh-Sh-Shi-, Shio-…”

[You’re always so funny, Sago.]

My terrible stuttering prompted Ruu-denka to laugh from the shotgun seat.

Dammit, I’m always stuttering when I’m in front of Ruu-denka. I hope she doesn’t think I’m like that all the time.

“Shi-, Shio-, ri, uh, um, Shiori! Don’t I need to greet your parents too?”

“No need.”

“Come on, I ought to at least introduce myself, right?”

“They won’t support our relationship.”

“Ahh… Even so, I should do this properly, right?”

Kabura— Shiori bent her neck with her bangs falling forward to hide her face from my view as she began speaking in a detached tone.

“When I was in middle school, I told my mom to cook me a diet menu so I could lose weight. But she laughed at me, saying that there was no way such half-assed measures would work. I had no choice, so I cooked my own meals. And I slimmed down.

“When I said I wanted to get plastic surgery, my father opposed it, saying that I would definitely become unhappy changing the face that my parents gave me. So I saved up and paid for the surgery with my own money. I’m now very happy.

“When I said I wanted to attend Tokyo University, they said that everyone hates smart girls. I paid for the entrance exam fee myself, took the exam, and passed. I’ve made so many friends since then.”

I found myself at a loss for words as Shiori-san continued revealing the darkness in her past.

“When I hired help at my house, I got scolded for it. My parents said I should at least take care of my own matters myself. At least they shut up when I showed them graphs illustrating how much more I earned from having someone else take care of the chores.

“When I bought the Marineland peerage, they scolded me for ‘throwing my money away.’ I haven’t regretted it for a single moment after I made the purchase.

“Tell me, Kinemitsu-san. Do you still want to visit my parents?”

“Not anymore.”

“I figured. Should we change the topic?”

“Please.”

I guess that’s that.

When we reached my parents’ house, we found the windows still alight. They hadn’t gone to sleep yet.

Shiori was smiling happily and looked entirely at ease as we approached the front door. I was stiff with nerves. We had skipped over “We’re going out” and “We’re getting married” to suddenly declare “We’re married!” out of the blue. I couldn’t even imagine what my parents were going to say. How can Shiori be so bold and confident? Though that is part of what I love about her.

[Don’t worry, I’ll tell them that you make a great match! Trust me! Is this the doorbell? May I press it? I wanna press it!]

Ruu-denka, who was standing between Shiori and me, looked like she was just itching to press the doorbell. What are you, a child?

[Denka, I’m sorry, but it would complicate things a lot if you come along. Can you wait in the car for us? We’re fine by ourselves.]

[Really? Okay! I’ll wait for you, then!]

Ruu-denka accepted my request without seeming bothered. She headed back to the car and promptly began entertaining herself by scratching the moustache of her guard. If her citizens saw their eighteen-year-old queen living her life so free and easy… her popularity would probably go up even more. Right, there’s no problem whatsoever.

Before Denka did something else unexpected, I unlocked the door and turned on the entrance light. Everything looked just how it did the last time I was here, except for the extra goldfish in the Japanese rice fish aquarium above the shoe shelves. I bet Mom fished them at a local festival and Dad is the one feeding them. I don’t even need to ask, I just know.

“I’m home!”

When I called out into the corridor, my mom quickly appeared, toothbrush in hand and already in pajamas.

“Welcome home. Couldn’t you have at least given us a call if you’re coming ho—”

Upon laying eyes on us, my mom dropped her toothbrush. Shiori bowed elegantly, but my mom rushed at me.

“Sago, you!”

“Mom, this person is—”

“What happened to your arm?!”

“Ah.”

Oh shiiiiiit!

That makes sense. Why did I forget? I got too excited. Even though her son is bringing home a beautiful wife practically out of the blue, of course she would first notice her son’s right arm being gone.

“Hold on, Sago-san. You never told your parents about your arm?”

“Ack.”

I had nothing to say in response to the “I can’t believe you” look that Shiori gave me.

You know, it’s a hard thing to bring up.

I meant to. But I kept making excuses, pushing it off. Today’s not a good day for it. I’m busy now. When I see them next. I’m still good. You know how it goes.

“What’s wrong, mom? It’s late now; shouting would bother our neighbors. Oh hey, Kinemitsu, it’s been a whAAAAAATTT?! What happened to your arm?!”

My dad came out next. He immediately noticed my arm being gone and also rushed over. Neither of them spared even a look at Shiori. Instead, they touched my empty sleeve all over in a complete fluster.

In the end, it took me a long time to explain my arm and we gave in to my parents’ heartfelt plea to stay the night. As a result, the wedding ceremony was postponed to tomorrow.

I’m so sorry for so many things.

When morning came, my parents tried to convince us to stay longer but Shiori and I managed to slip away. We went outside and woke up Ruu-denka, who had fallen fast asleep faithfully waiting in the car all night, and headed straight for Ama-no-Iwato.

Upon reciting the password in front of the shelf behind the bar, the hidden door opened, granting access to the warp gate connected to the magic castle currently floating in the air above the thick cloud layer near the South Pole.

Of course, we left Ruu-denka’s bodyguard behind. He was under the impression that Her Royal Highness was resting inside the establishment and therefore standing guard outside.

As we walked down the stone corridors towards the cathedral, Shiori spoke up in a cheerful tone.

“Your parents seem like nice people. I like them.”

“Glad to hear it.”

What a relief that Shiori seemed to get along well with my parents.

At first, my dad was worried that I was being scammed or led on, but then we told him that we had been together for years now (which is true; we just weren’t going out). After that, Shiori completely won him over by pouring him drinks.

My mom forged a pact with Shiori where Shiori would send her detailed updates on how I was doing and my mom would tell her embarrassing stories from my childhood in return. Please don’t! I know I’m in the wrong for not coming home as often as I should!

When we reached the cathedral, I found it decorated with artificial flowers splaying color amidst delicate ice statues. Shiori clapped her hands, and a phoenix made of red flames burst into appearance near the ceiling and started circling gracefully.

“Huuuuuh?!”

[It’s a phoenix! Cool!]

Both Denka’s and my jaws dropped to the floor in dumbstruck surprise. A more careful look revealed gleams of silver here and there that likely came from PSI drives.

Shouta-kun and Touka-chan definitely had a hand in this!

[Ruu-denka, please get ready.]

When I turned around, I found Shiori already in her pure white wedding dress.

Shiori in a wedding dress was beautiful.

Empty praise and extra words would only do it an injustice.

She was just simply and perfectly beautiful.

When I attended the weddings of relatives and saw the bride, the only thoughts in my mind were like, “That looks really hard to walk in” or “That’s definitely rented.” Now, however, I fully understood why women felt envious at the sight and why men were moved to tears.

Kaburagi Shiori was beautiful.

[Aww, I’m sorry, Kaburagi. I don’t think I can forget this. You look too beautiful!]

Shiori smiled wryly in response to Ruu-denka’s ear-to-ear grin.

I understand! You just can’t help it, right?!

I can’t not brag about this! My, MY Shiori is the world’s most beautiful bride!

As for me, I was still wearing the suit I wore to the dinner with Ruu-denka. It was my best suit, after all; I didn’t have anything better.

The wedding proceeded smoothly and in the blink of an eye.

Shiori was not particularly picky about the format of the ceremony. We swore eternal love in front of the officiator (Ruu-denka), kissed each other, then exchanged the rings that we had picked up on the way when passing through Ama-no-Iwato. That was it.

We didn’t have friends giving speeches, no video of our childhoods, no fancy dinner, no cake-cutting, none of that.

The way Shiori put it was, “I don’t want my memory of this moment to be diluted by unnecessary adornments.”

Not having speeches, videos, or cake had no bearing at all on the fact that a man and a woman had promised themselves to one another.

Conversely, when I got too embarrassed to do the kiss after exchanging our vows, Shiori forcibly took my lips. The parts that she did care about, she made sure to insist on.

When I stuttered, “O-Our first kiss, huh?” for some reason, she gave me a meaningful smile.

The ceremony, of course, ended with a bouquet toss.

A bouquet toss was an event where the bride throws a bouquet of flowers toward the female attendees of marriageable age and supposedly the one who catches it would be the next to get married. The veracity of the claim was questionable at best, but I suppose reading too much into such traditions would be boorish.

That said, the only other person at this ceremony was Ruu-denka, who had absolutely dismal hand-eye coordination. If the bouquet was tossed toward her, chances were high that she would fail to catch it. So Shiori handed it to her directly with a “Here you go.”

I mean, that makes it less a bouquet toss and more a bouquet pass. But both of them seem happy about it, so I guess it’s fine.

Shiori radiated happiness as she asked Ruu-denka a question.

[Is there anyone that you’re interested in, Ruu-denka? I’ll help you.]

[Aww, thank you! That’s as reassuring as having seven billion people on my side!]

[Of course. I’ll do what I can if it’s someone other than Kinemitsu-san.]

[Oh, I can’t choose Sago? Ah, he did just get married. Hmm, someone other than Sago… a guy… who’s a similar age… I can’t really think of any.]

Since most people she comes into contact with are related to the running of her country, I imagine they’re all quite advanced in age. But if she publicizes that she’s looking for a husband, I’m sure she’d be flooded with offers.

After groaning for a while with the bouquet clutched in her arms, Ruu-denka suddenly looked up as if an idea had come to her.

[Shouta! That’s right, there’s Shouta! I like Shouta! I’ll marry Shouta!]

Oh god.

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1) A hanko/inkan (used interchangeably) is a carved stamp that can be used in any situation where an individual, or an individual on behalf of a company, might otherwise use a signature or initials. [Tokyo Cheapo]